highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
