Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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