i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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