Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
