my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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