I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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