we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
