i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
