Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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