I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
