Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
