just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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