You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
