4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
