Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
