somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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