just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
