I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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