You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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