I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
