We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
