I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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