i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
