I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
