So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
