I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
