pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize