literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
