Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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