oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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