I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
