I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I smell like Dick and happiness
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
