I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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