i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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