Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
