so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
