I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it's great music for shaving your balls
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
