He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
