it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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