I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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