my phone needs a breathalizer
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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