Swine flu. Run for my life!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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