insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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