high people should be assigned attendants
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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