Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
