my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
