I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize