You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think a kid would responsible me up
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
