Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's never too late to be topless.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
