So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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