I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
