my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
