If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
