I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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