I am in a vortex of obligation.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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