You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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