come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Four minutes until I can fart!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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